Old Friends

When I was in girl scouts, we were taught a song. It went like this, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." I remember that we used to stand in a circle and sing it at the end of every girl scout meeting.
However now at 24, I realize that that song can't be true. You have to let go of old friends. You have to move on from them when you feel they aren't good for you anymore. You admit defeat and you move on. You find new friends. Sometimes, they're better. Sometimes, they're not. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a short while and others for your whole life. You have to do what's right for you and not get bogged down by what others think of you.
This is particularly relevant for me tonight. When I was at Harlaxton, I met a girl named Mary. She and I became good friends. We hung out together. We went out at night to the clubs (with other people too). We ate all of our meals together. You would think we were really good friends. We even managed to stay in contact after Harlaxton (which if you knew me, you would know is kind of a miracle!). I thought she was going to be a forever friend.
While we were at Harlaxton, she met a boy. He seemed ok when I first met him (which was a month after they had met), but as time went on, I stopped liking him. Whenever she asked me for my opinion, I told her that I didn't like him. A few weeks ago, she text me and said that there was a time when it was easy to not care about me because of the things I said about him. It really hurt my feelings.
Tonight she text me. I text her back saying that her saying it was easy not to care about me really hurt my feelings and I needed some time away from her. She made a big deal out of it, and eventually, I told her that she needed to stop texting me because I didn't want to be her friend anymore. She kept going on and on about how horrible a friend I am. That I'm not as much of a princess as I think I am. That I'm a bridezilla. I need to not force Gareth to marry me. That she thinks I'm rushing things and that she's not the only one that thinks so. She told me to piss off and to fuck off. I eventually told her, "Thank you for your opinion." After that, I stopped answering any of her texts. She sent me a few more about what a rotten friend I am. That Ashley (the now ex-boyfriend she met at Harlaxton)never liked me either so now we're even (not her exact words because she apparently can't type her words herself and has to use T9). I read them.
I'll be honest. The things she said really hurt at first. Then I talked to my mom. My mom is the most amazing woman in my life. She said that I needed to stop second guessing myself (I asked her if I had made the right decision). She also told me something that really struck home. She told me that I was letting other people's opinions get to me too much. I wanted to talk to my friend Jennifer because I know that she's the only person Mary could be talking about when she said that she's not the only one that thinks so. I wanted to talk to her and ask her, but I decided against it. Jenni and I are going to be sisters eventually. I have to stop taking so much to heart if we're going to continue being friends afterwards. My mom asked me if it really matters what Jenni thinks. I thought about it for a second and realized that it didn't. The only person's opinion about my relationship that I need to consider is my fiance's. After all, he's the one that I'm committing my life to. I've decided I'm going to talk to him about it. I need to make sure that he's ready to marry me. I need to make sure that he doesn't feeling like I'm forcing him to marry me.
The greatest thing about tonight: Soon everything Mary said tonight will just be a memory that won't hurt anymore. I did what was best for me. I think I did the right thing. I know Gareth will think I did the right thing. There's no else whose opinion matters so much to me.

Parents

"There are just some things you should never include include other people in, no matter who they are."

I posted the above quote as my status on facebook earlier today. I don't know if it's an original quote or not, but it has a lot of truth for me right now.
Gareth is coming on Saturday for a visit. He'll be here for a whole two weeks. Ordinarily, I would have followed up such a statement with a million exclamation points. However, I'm really not excited about him coming anymore. There are two people who are responsible for me feeling this way: his parents.
I guess before I go to much further, I should start this story as all other stories start: at the beginning.
Gareth and I have talked about getting engaged for a while now. We had decided on a nice, big wedding in 2014 at Harlaxton Manor. It was going to be absolutely gorgeous. While we still have that dream (or something similar anyway), we made one little change. We decided that the best way to save money would be to go ahead and get married while he's here in January.
There are lots of reasons why we decided this. We love each. We're going to get married anyway. We just want to be a normal couple and do normal couple things. My life wouldn't be on hold anymore while we are in this relationship. It would have been a wonderful thing to become his wife. In fact, I was really looking forward to it.
Gareth originally wasn't going to say anything to his parents about getting married. However, I looked at it from the point of view that if I had a child and he/she got married and didn't tell me, I would be hurt. I pushed and I pushed him to tell his parents. He kept asking me if I was sure I wanted him to tell them, and I kept saying yes. So, he told them. Instead of being supportive like I thought they would be, they were the complete opposite. Neither one said congratulations or we're happy for you. His mom told him that he had to tell his dad. Then when he did tell his dad, his dad went on and on about getting a prenup and all this other stuff. Gareth just sat there and listened. He didn't say one word to his dad about what his dad was saying.
We were on Skype together when he told his parents. When he told me what his parents said, I was absolutely heart broken. I just couldn't believe that they weren't immediately supportive of their son. It made me feel like I was some girl Gareth could buy with his money or something. Really. I started crying because I was so hurt they though of me as not being good enough for their soon.
So now, I'm not going to become his Mrs in January. I know it's only 6 months difference, but I was so looking forward to being his wife, to starting our lives together. Now, his parents have ripped that away from me, and I don't know what to do. I feel like my life instead of being on pause is on stop. Everything just hurts, and I don't even know if I want to be with Gareth anymore; not when he can't even defend our relationship to his parents.

Is This Real Life?

For the last three and a half months, I have been living with my boyfriend. You might remember him. I've been calling him Bear for the purposes of this blog. Yes, I spent the last three and a half months in England with Bear. It was the best three and half months of my life. As of Sunday night though, I've been back in Texas.
It's already been a difficult past three days. I miss being with him in person. Yes, we're doing the skype thing again. We're even playing Words with Friends right this very moment. This all seems like my real life.
The past three and a half months feels like it was all a dream. It's like I went to sleep, dreamt about England and being with Bear, and then woke up on Sunday. The only proof I have is the huge suitcase sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor, a camera full of memories, and the smell of him on a shirt. It was the best three and a half months of my life though. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if I could.
We finally got to celebrate anniversaries together. We even celebrated the most important one of all: the one year anniversary. We went to York and stayed in a hotel. I got to see things that most people only ever dream about. I saw castle walls that are older than even the first colony in the USA. I ate really horrible Mexican food and lived to talk about it. I saw what it was like to be a Viking. I saw their bones and where they lived. I even found out where the word husband comes from. It was the best anniversary I could have ever asked for.
The best part is that I got to do everything that "normal" couples get to do. I got to hold Bear's hand and kiss him whenever I wanted to. I got to snuggle up next to him while watching tv. I got to fall asleep on his chest with his arms around me. I could even text him without it costing a hundred dollars. We made breakfast and dinner together. We danced together. I could look deep into his beautiful blue eyes and know that he was looking back at me with all of the love that he has for me. It was the best time of my life.
Now though, things are completely different. We're back to having to skype. We have to make time for each other. I sleep in my bed alone. I have no one to kiss and snuggle with. Now when I make a cup of tea, I make one...for myself. There is no we. There's no we're going to do things. If I could, I would make myself go back to sleep now and hope to wake up in England with him in his bed with his arms around me.
The dream that I hope will one come true for us one day soon. Right now though, I have to make do with the life I have. I can't keep up the dream of Bear because right now this is real life.

Loving from a Distance

I am a proud member of the forum know as Loving from a Distance (www.lovingfromadistance.com). It's for people who are part of a long distance relationship. I am in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend lives all the way in England while I live in the deep in the heart of Texas. It's hard sometimes. You don't always know what you're doing. You don't always know if you're doing the right thing. My relationship is everything a relationship should be with just one minor hiccup: we live almost 5,000 miles away from each other. It takes a lot of time, patience, and energy to keep up a relationship when you're not physically with that person. It's hard when you go 3 or 4 months in between visits. It's hard to not be able to hold the other person's hand or just call them whenever you want. Sometimes you have to rely on other people, strangers even, to help you get through the hard times.
That's where Loving from a Distance comes in. It's a forum with it's own community. The one thing that's the same for all of us is that we're all in a long distance relationship. We have some of the same problems. We share similar experiences. We all go through hard times and we all go through amazing times. The thing I love most about this community that I'm a part of is that we celebrate with each other and we commiserate with each other.
I'll never forget when people seemed to all be breaking up at the same time. It was hard to see all of those relationships end, knowing that yours could be next. No relationship is 100% guaranteed. You have to take things in stride. Being one of the ones to survive and having the other that survived made a huge difference for me. Seeing other people go through it made me realize that we, Gareth and I, could make it too.
I've seen international relationships make it. I've seen international relationships that closed the distance or are in the process of closing the distance. It gives me hope. It inspires me to make mine work because if they can do it, we can do it too. They've already proven that it can work. I just have to make it work for me too.
Loving from a distance is a website where people from all over the world come together not only to share problems but also come together to celebrate one another. We inspire each other and prove that long distance relationships can and do work.

Looking for Flights

One of the things that I love most about being in an LDR is the visits. I love getting to spend time with him in person. I like getting to hold his hand and kiss his lips. I like getting to sleep next to him and hearing his heart beat. But the one thing I don't like about visiting is the stuff prior to seeing him, which includes looking for flights.
I hate going through all of the different websites to try to find the best deal. of course, you never do. There's always going to be a flight the next day that is cheaper or has better times. I try and look months ahead of time, and I always find flights that I could afford. I can' buy my tickets that far ahead of time because I always have to save up my money. By the time I save up enough money, the plane tickets are always super expensive. I guess the only thing that really keeps me going is that I know will be with him one day.
One day I won't have to save up my money and wait to have to see him. One day, I will get to wake up and he will be right there beside me. This is just temporary. One day, he and I will be together forever. That's why I go through the hassle of looking for plane tickets. He's the reason why I stay up late just so I can think of him. I can't wait until he really is my forever, and my looking for flights is just for now.

Visiting

One of the most important things about long distance relationships is that you have to visit each other at some point in time. Bear recently came to visit me and has already left. His visit was one of the best times of my life. Yes, there was a lot of sex, but it was more than the sex. It was the building of the emotional aspect of our relationship again. We already have a strong emotional relationships, and the visits to each other just reinforce that. It's during these trips that I know that I love Bear. I know that he really is the one I want to be with forever. Talking on Skype helps us to build these emotions as well, but it's also the little things. Bear and I show each other how much we care about the other. It's the little things that allow us to show each other. It's the little things like how he strokes my hair when we're sitting on the couch. Or the way he tells me he loves me. It's the way he holds me in his arms. The way that he wraps his legs around mine when we're in bed. He makes me feel like the most special girl in the whole wide world.
We do some of the most boring things in the whole world. We make dinner together. We go walking around the mall. We get ice cream. These things would seem like no big deal to someone in a close distance relationships, but I live for these moments. I spend months and months waiting to cook for Bear again. I go weeks waiting for something as simple as a kiss. Yet I know that someday, it will all be worth it. I know that Bear and I will be together forever because these visits show me how perfect we are together. They show me how perfect we for each other. I thank God for bringing Bear to me. He adds value to my life all because of who he is. I can't wait for May. Not because I'm graduating but because Bear is going to be here to see me graduate. I can't wait to feel his hand in mine and to feel his lips against my mouth again. I love Bear.

Waiting for His E-mails

One of the things I dislike the most about being in a long distance relationship is the waiting. I feel like I'm always waiting for something from him. Right now, I'm waiting for his e-mail. On Thursdays, I work really late (or early depending on how you look at it) so I always e-mail him when I get to work at midnight. I then spend the rest of my four hour shift waiting for him to e-mail me back. I pretty much check my e-mail every five minutes in hopes that he'll have e-mailed me back. I love when he e-mails me. I love reading the sweet things he has to say. I love it when I hear from him. Yet, I'm always waiting. Sometimes it's because I don't actually get the e-mail until 12 hours later (this has actually happened several times) or I miss one of my five minute checks because I become focused on homework or some other task or sometimes I just forget to check (which rarely happens). It just becomes so disheartening sometimes because I live for the moments when I get to hear from him. If there was one thing I could change, it would be the waiting. But then, that's part of being in a long distance relationship, and I wouldn't change my relationship for the world. For now, it is perfect.

*Number of times I checked my e-mail while writing this: five