Many things have happened lately. Things that have left me questioning what I thought I knew. I don't know what I want anymore. I would've thought that I would have forgotten Chris by now, but I haven't. It's been over a year. What if I see him when I'm on holiday? I'm not going to lie. Part of me does want to see him. Yet another part of me knows that if I see him, it could be the worse thing to ever happen. Do I approach him? Should I let him come up to me? I don't know anymore. If this was last year, it would be so much easier. It's not though. It's this year which makes things so much more complicated. Boys are already complicated. Now throwing in a whole other country, doubles that. Maybe boys in England aren't as great as I thought they were. Maybe they are bigger jerks than boys in the US. At least boys in the US are straightforward with you. If they don't like you, they let you know. Guys in England are taught to keep a stiff upper lip and to not let anyone know what you really feel except those closest to you. It makes having a relationship really hard. I didn't know Chris for very long, but it's like he put a spell on me. A spell that I can't break out of. I'm hoping that I've met someone that can, though. We'll call him J.J.
J.J. is a sweet guy. He seems to have the same ambitions that I do. He's going to teach overseas. He likes being around kids. He's cute. He's not the kind of guy that I typically like, but maybe I need that. The crazy thing is that we just met a couple of weeks ago. He's getting ready to go to Prague, though. He's already graduated from uni. I just want to be his friend for now. J.J. is someone that I could see things progressing with maybe. My favorite thing about him is that he is always smiling. When I see him, I feel like I did when I was back in England. I can't help, but have a smile on my face when I'm around him. I haven't felt like that since England. Even though there were hard times in England, I could always smile. I saw J.J. yesterday when I was at work. He stood by the desk for like 5 minutes talking to me. I didn't want him to leave. I knew he had to, but I couldn't let him go. I've already added him on facebook, and am just waiting for him to confirm it. Sometimes I find it to be really amazing how quickly things can change.
Chris will always be in my heart, but I need a change. I hope that I do see him, but I hope that when I do, things will be different. I hope that my heart won't go a million miles an hour. I hope that I won't want to touch him. I hope that I won't still love him. Chris's time needs to be over. It may be time, now, for J.J.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Laundry
So today I had decided that I was going to do laundry. I haven't done laundry since the 4th of July weekend so things were getting pretty desperate. I still have some clothes, but I'm out of things like jeans and work t-shirts. I can dress up for work, but I don't want to unless I have to. Pretty much now, I have to. You want to know why? BECAUSE MY UNI TOOK THE WASHERS AND DRYERS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As a result, I can't do laundry. Uh, hello? I know there's only like five of us actually living in this building, but I still need to do laundry. Today was like the first time I've actually had time to do my laundry in a long time too. We got an e-mail, but it only talked about the laundry machines in the on-campus apartments. It didn't give any information about the actual residence halls. This sucks big time. Now, I'm going to have to hand wash some things, probably tomorrow because I have to be at work in an hour. Typical. I actually have time to get things done, and I can't. This really sucks.
Monday, July 26, 2010
To Whom It May Concern
To whom it may concern:
Right now it is currently 3:47am Central Time. I can't sleep, and I can't even force myself. I may have to result to the my last resort: medication. Before I do that, though, I just want to say one thing. It isn't very thought provoking. It's not going to change your life. You'll probably even forget about this post 10 seconds after you finish reading it. I just have to say it, though. I'm not happy about what's going on in my life. I just can't seem to do anything right anymore. Yeah, I pretend to plaster a smile on my face every day, but it's all fake. It's easy to fake it when I'm around people, but the second I'm alone, it's easy to let the barriers down. I just sit on the chair in my "living room" and watch youtube or go on facebook. I rely on the people of the internet to help me through my day. I just can't seem to rely on myself anymore to make myself happy. The last time I remember being truly happy is when I was at Harlaxton. It was such an amazing time, and I can't seem to recapture the happiness I had when I was there. I felt it almost right away. I've tried to deny it, but I can't. I love my family and friends here, but I'm just not happy anymore. I don't know if this is just the now 4:16am brain talking, but I'm not happy. Maybe that's why I'm really going back in less than a month. Maybe I'm trying to recapture some part of myself that I can't find here. Maybe my heart is truly still in England because I know it's not here.
Right now it is currently 3:47am Central Time. I can't sleep, and I can't even force myself. I may have to result to the my last resort: medication. Before I do that, though, I just want to say one thing. It isn't very thought provoking. It's not going to change your life. You'll probably even forget about this post 10 seconds after you finish reading it. I just have to say it, though. I'm not happy about what's going on in my life. I just can't seem to do anything right anymore. Yeah, I pretend to plaster a smile on my face every day, but it's all fake. It's easy to fake it when I'm around people, but the second I'm alone, it's easy to let the barriers down. I just sit on the chair in my "living room" and watch youtube or go on facebook. I rely on the people of the internet to help me through my day. I just can't seem to rely on myself anymore to make myself happy. The last time I remember being truly happy is when I was at Harlaxton. It was such an amazing time, and I can't seem to recapture the happiness I had when I was there. I felt it almost right away. I've tried to deny it, but I can't. I love my family and friends here, but I'm just not happy anymore. I don't know if this is just the now 4:16am brain talking, but I'm not happy. Maybe that's why I'm really going back in less than a month. Maybe I'm trying to recapture some part of myself that I can't find here. Maybe my heart is truly still in England because I know it's not here.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Growing Up is Hard to Do
I remember when I was a little girl that I wanted to be a "grown-up." This wish got stronger as I became a teenager and thought I knew everything. Now that I am kind of an unofficial adult, I see that it's silly to want to hurry up and grow up.
I got in a really bad car accident this past weekend. My car was completely totaled. Now, I not only have to think about a getting a new car, I have to think about car insurance. Not only that, but I have to think about how I'm going to pay for the car and the insurance. I have to get a job that will actually pay me money so that I can keep my car. These are only small things compared to some people. Some people my age have been paying for these things for much longer. It's all new for me though. I just have to persevere and it'll work out. Eventually.
I got in a really bad car accident this past weekend. My car was completely totaled. Now, I not only have to think about a getting a new car, I have to think about car insurance. Not only that, but I have to think about how I'm going to pay for the car and the insurance. I have to get a job that will actually pay me money so that I can keep my car. These are only small things compared to some people. Some people my age have been paying for these things for much longer. It's all new for me though. I just have to persevere and it'll work out. Eventually.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
365 Days in 20 Ways
365 Days in 20 Ways. You may be wondering what exactly this is. I got the idea from Myles Dyer (blade376 on youtube). It's a list of goals that you want to complete within a year. I'm typing this up a little bit late, but I'm hoping to accomplish the following things by 2 July 2011. For a full explanation of what this "365 Days in 20 Ways" is, click on this link --> Blade376
1. Go to England
I have already spent a semester abroad in England, and I have always wanted to go back. My friend Jennifer (who I actually met when I studied abroad) is moving there to live with her boyfriend. I'm planning on staying a week with her. It should be fun. My ticket is already booked. I just have to go. This one should be accomplished within a two months.
2. Graduate from college.
I have been in college for four years now. I was hoping to be out already, but that didn't happen. I'm hoping that five will be my lucky number, and I will graduate in May 2011. Hopefully, this one will just make the July 2nd deadline at the latest.
3. Save $1,000.
As a person getting ready to take on more adult responsibilities, having a little bit of extra money would be helpful. As of right now, I don't know where I'm going so this is something I will probably need.
4. Go to a state that I've never been to (not New York).
You have already been able to guess this, but I LOVE to travel. I like going to new places and meeting new people. This is something I really want to do.
5. See Mary and Maytha again.
Mary and Maytha are my BEST friends in the whole world, and I haven't see them since I left Harlaxton. Getting to see them again would be the best thing EVER! We are already making plans to meet up sometime. This is in the works but not definite yet. :(
6. Go to New York.
Although I could have easily lumped this into number 4, I chose not. It seemed too easy to do that (even though I've never been) since I have always admired New York for what it stands for to me. Going to another state and going to my dream are two different things, and therefore, two separate goals.
7. Get hired as a teacher.
I have wanted to be a teacher since the fifth grade. If everything works out the way it should, I will graduate in May with my teaching certificate, and I will begin teaching somewhere in August. This will probably be the hardest, but that just makes it more worthwhile.
8. Post a video on YouTube.
I know this one sounds lame, but it's something I've been wanting to do. I've never done, and I admire many people who do. I want to do it for me, not anything else.
9. Make a new friend.
This past year, I have learned a lot about real friends. I learned that I have two real friends: Mary and Maytha. Getting another real friend would be awesome. If it happens, it happens. If not, at least I have Mary and Maytha.
10. BEDA (August or April)
You might remember that I attempted BEDA in April. Since it didn't work out quite the way I wanted, I'm going to try again.
11. Find a boyfriend.
I have always been in love with the idea of being in love. Now that I'm 22 and about to strike into the world, I want to be able to do that with someone I love.
12. Register/go to VidCon.
I was unable to go to VidCon this year, but I really wanted to go. If it's held next, I'm going to try my best to go.
13. Buy Doctor Who on DVD.
I don't know if I ever mentioned that Doctor Who is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE SHOW EVER, but it is :) Nothing would make me happier than if I actually owned.
14. Meet someone I admire.
There are many people in the world that I admire. To be able to meet one would be great. I was planning on being able to meet Kristina Horner (italktosnakes) and Luke Conard (lukeconard) on July 11th, but my accident stopped that. Hopefully, another time.
15. Treat myself to something expensive (like diamonds, Coach bag, etc).
After being a college student for so long, I feel like I should be able to treat myself to something nice. This is how I want to treat myself after working hard for so long.
16. Organize an event for people.
This one is really vague, I know. At the time, I couldn't think of another goal so I just wrote something down. This goal was the result. I just wanted to write something down. We'll see how this one goes down.
17. Volunteer at the animal shelter.
Before I wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Animals have always been a big part of my life. I want to give back to the community, and I couldn't think of a better way for me to do this.
18. Learn to play guitar.
Music is a big part of my life too. I tried to learn how to play guitar last y ear, but it didn't quite work out the way I wanted it to. I' going to try again this year.
19. Work on English accent.
Being an Anglophile is something I am proud to call myself. My English accent needs to be improved upon. That's it. I just want a better accent. Simple.
20. Read and study the Bible.
This is a task I've tried to take on a million times. I'm hoping to be able to actually do it this time. I'm going to start with Psalms. Everything has been leading me there.
There are my goals. I will keep you updated throughout the year. If you are interested in doing the same, I would love for you to join me, Myles, and everyone else doing it. Just make a list and do it. Good luck!
1. Go to England
I have already spent a semester abroad in England, and I have always wanted to go back. My friend Jennifer (who I actually met when I studied abroad) is moving there to live with her boyfriend. I'm planning on staying a week with her. It should be fun. My ticket is already booked. I just have to go. This one should be accomplished within a two months.
2. Graduate from college.
I have been in college for four years now. I was hoping to be out already, but that didn't happen. I'm hoping that five will be my lucky number, and I will graduate in May 2011. Hopefully, this one will just make the July 2nd deadline at the latest.
3. Save $1,000.
As a person getting ready to take on more adult responsibilities, having a little bit of extra money would be helpful. As of right now, I don't know where I'm going so this is something I will probably need.
4. Go to a state that I've never been to (not New York).
You have already been able to guess this, but I LOVE to travel. I like going to new places and meeting new people. This is something I really want to do.
5. See Mary and Maytha again.
Mary and Maytha are my BEST friends in the whole world, and I haven't see them since I left Harlaxton. Getting to see them again would be the best thing EVER! We are already making plans to meet up sometime. This is in the works but not definite yet. :(
6. Go to New York.
Although I could have easily lumped this into number 4, I chose not. It seemed too easy to do that (even though I've never been) since I have always admired New York for what it stands for to me. Going to another state and going to my dream are two different things, and therefore, two separate goals.
7. Get hired as a teacher.
I have wanted to be a teacher since the fifth grade. If everything works out the way it should, I will graduate in May with my teaching certificate, and I will begin teaching somewhere in August. This will probably be the hardest, but that just makes it more worthwhile.
8. Post a video on YouTube.
I know this one sounds lame, but it's something I've been wanting to do. I've never done, and I admire many people who do. I want to do it for me, not anything else.
9. Make a new friend.
This past year, I have learned a lot about real friends. I learned that I have two real friends: Mary and Maytha. Getting another real friend would be awesome. If it happens, it happens. If not, at least I have Mary and Maytha.
10. BEDA (August or April)
You might remember that I attempted BEDA in April. Since it didn't work out quite the way I wanted, I'm going to try again.
11. Find a boyfriend.
I have always been in love with the idea of being in love. Now that I'm 22 and about to strike into the world, I want to be able to do that with someone I love.
12. Register/go to VidCon.
I was unable to go to VidCon this year, but I really wanted to go. If it's held next, I'm going to try my best to go.
13. Buy Doctor Who on DVD.
I don't know if I ever mentioned that Doctor Who is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE SHOW EVER, but it is :) Nothing would make me happier than if I actually owned.
14. Meet someone I admire.
There are many people in the world that I admire. To be able to meet one would be great. I was planning on being able to meet Kristina Horner (italktosnakes) and Luke Conard (lukeconard) on July 11th, but my accident stopped that. Hopefully, another time.
15. Treat myself to something expensive (like diamonds, Coach bag, etc).
After being a college student for so long, I feel like I should be able to treat myself to something nice. This is how I want to treat myself after working hard for so long.
16. Organize an event for people.
This one is really vague, I know. At the time, I couldn't think of another goal so I just wrote something down. This goal was the result. I just wanted to write something down. We'll see how this one goes down.
17. Volunteer at the animal shelter.
Before I wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Animals have always been a big part of my life. I want to give back to the community, and I couldn't think of a better way for me to do this.
18. Learn to play guitar.
Music is a big part of my life too. I tried to learn how to play guitar last y ear, but it didn't quite work out the way I wanted it to. I' going to try again this year.
19. Work on English accent.
Being an Anglophile is something I am proud to call myself. My English accent needs to be improved upon. That's it. I just want a better accent. Simple.
20. Read and study the Bible.
This is a task I've tried to take on a million times. I'm hoping to be able to actually do it this time. I'm going to start with Psalms. Everything has been leading me there.
There are my goals. I will keep you updated throughout the year. If you are interested in doing the same, I would love for you to join me, Myles, and everyone else doing it. Just make a list and do it. Good luck!
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