Need You Now

"It's a quarter after one. I'm all alone, and I need you now. Said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control, and I need you now. And I don't know how I can do without. I just need you now."
-Lady Antebellum

So this morning as I was walking to my group project (see previous post), I started singing in the middle of the sidewalk. There was nobody around me, but how weird is that?

Every time I listen to that Lady Antebellum song, I think of Chris. It has been a very Chris-ified day it seems. How can he still have so much of an impact of my life? I honestly think he is the reason why I can't get close to this guy that I've been talking to. It's like I'm forever irreversibly linked to Chris, and nobody can do anything to change that. I've tried talking to other guys, but they just don't give off the same chemistry that Chris did. It's so weird. Why can't I just let him go? I need to let him go. There are other guys out there that might be more perfect for me than him, but he will always be in the back of my mind.

I've been trying to write a story about him for about a month now. Not necessarily him, but rather, my relationship with him while I was in England. I'm able to write about the night that we met. I can even add in some details of our relationship, but I can't write an ending. I've tried writing endings where he comes back to me. I've tried writing where we just fall apart, but that doesn't work either. It's like my life is on pause until I see him again and know for sure what our ending is. Until then, I don't think I will be able to end my story. I know what ending I want to have, but I don't know if it's realistic. I don't know how the story of me and Chris really ends so I can't write the ending of the written version of me and Chris. Maybe, maybe one day I will be able to write the ending because maybe one day there will be an official ending. Maybe it will be an official beginning. There are so many possibilities if I ever get to see him again.

OK. That's it for tonight. I'm tired, and I'm about to get off of work. Bye.

*Grammar Nazis, don't attack me. This is a very informal writing, and I know there are a lot of mistakes.*

5 Minute Writing

Ok. So I only have five minutes to write this because I have to go meet my group in order to work on a project for my linguistics class. GO!

I've been thinking about Chris a lot a lot. It's really weird. Even when I've really like guys, I've never thought about them this much. He crosses my mind all of the time. I can listen to a song, and I'll think of the first time we kissed. I will be drinking, and I'll think about when we held hands. I can do pretty much anything, and something about Chris will cross my mind. Now remember, I only knew Chris for a maximum of three weeks. I barely knew the guy. The only time we were together is when we were out drinking. Yet, it's like my mind won't accept that it's over. I haven't talked to him in over a year now. I haven't seen him since December 2008. It's been a long time. I told my friend Michelle about this, and she said that maybe he's my soul mate. Whenever people say stuff like that, I'm always reminded of an episode of FRIENDS where Phoebe tells Rachel that Ross is her lobster. (Go see it if you haven't. It's one of my favorites.) Maybe Chris is my lobster. This is why I have to go back. Yes, I would love to see everybody that I know there, but I have to find Chris. I have to see what could have happened. I knew I can't really afford to go now, but I have to do it. I'm going to save up all of my money this semester and try to go in August. I have a friend who will be moving there, and she said I could stay with her. I'm going to do it.

My five minutes are up. I'll probably write more later. BYE!

I'm So Sorry

I've neglecting this thing horribly. I'm sorry. I just got back to school after Spring Break. My Spring Break was pretty boring. I didn't really do anything besides sit on the couch and watch t.v. That's almost exactly what I'm doing now. Only instead of sitting on the couch, I'm sitting at my desk. I'm watching t.v. and typing this at the same time. I suppose I really could've typed and watched t.v. at home too, but it didn't happen.
Last night I went to my friend Ashley's house. We pretty much just drank and talked. I live such an exciting life. The only bad thing is that I missed part of the Harry Potter weekend on ABC Family. Harry Potter is life. I'm still watching Harry Potter. It'll be over soon, and then life will end. J/K. I love Harry Potter, but it's not really my life anymore.
Let me think. Let me think. I didn't really do anything else.
My parents went to Houston, and I got left at home with the dogs. I miss my girls. You should've seen. There were some perfect picture moments with no one to take a picture of it. Both of my girls were on the couch with me in the middle. It was adorable. We were all under my princess blanket too. Just picture it. Me, a yorkie on my right, a yorkie-poo on my left, and we're all snuggled together underneath a bright pink princess blanket. I should've tried to recreate the moment and had my mom take a picture, but it just wouldn't have been the same. Instead, I got some cute pictures this morning before I left of me, Diva, and Snickers. I love my girls. This is really boring now so I think I'll go back to my Harry Potter marathon. Love you all!

Chris's Poem

So I just wrote a poem. It's about a guy that I met when I was in England who still won't get out of my head. I hope you like it.

Every week I think of you
I think of the times we had together
When I danced with you
and you held my hand.
Our first kiss is one I will never forget.
It’s been so long though
since we last talked
since we last kissed
since we were last together.

I wish you would get out of my head.
All the promises we made to each other
are gone and broken.
I never hear from you
and I tried calling,
but it never worked.

I wished on stars and birthday candles
that I might be able to find you once again.
It hasn’t happened as of yet.
Maybe if I keep thinking and wishing for you,
one day my birthday wish will come true.
Until it does,
I will sit here and live my life
until we can once again live our live
together.

Please Cheer Me Up?

I'm feeling really down right now. I know my last couple of posts have been really down too, but that's just the mood I've been in lately. I know why, and I should be honest. How else can I give an accurate portrayal of my life? A bunch of you may remember that my so called friend Sean got married. Well, I saw him on Saturday for the first time in a VERY long time. There was drinking and other things going on since it was a party. I'll admit, I had a few drinks, but nothing like I've had in the past. We played a drinking game called Fuck the Dealer and just pretty much hung out. I missed the last dances, luckily. At one point, I went outside and Sean was there. Ordinarily, this would mean nothing. It usually means that we're both outside smoking. Only recently, I've started to try quitting. Yay for me! So I'm outside because I always eventually feel a little claustrophobic when there's a lot of people. He and another girl start talking, and she says something about him being drunk. Me being tipsy apparently decides that this would be a good time to tell him that I need to talk to him LATER. I emphasis later because I think that's the part that most needs to be emphasized. Anyway, he says ok. Then he starts going off about how Amber is right. I shouldn't even be at the party. Uh, Amber never said anything to me about being at the party. The only thing she had said is was, "How do you know this guy?" (It was a going away party for a guy that they didn't even really know.) I didn't know it was a closed party so when Carrie told me about it, I asked if I could go with her. She said yeah. She would ask a couple of our mutual friends. They said it was cool if I went so I went to the party. I told him that I didn't know it was a closed party otherwise I wouldn't have been there. Then he said that if it had been an open party, he would've invited me. I started getting really upset I guess because I said next I didn't know it was a closed party. If I had known that, I wouldn't be there. I basically repeated myself. He just ok. Then went off about why he didn't invite me to the wedding.
I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT NOT BEING AT HIS WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I really cared about was that I be told about it. I didn't want to have to find out on facebook. That's what hurts the most. I understand about small weddings. I understand about weddings being family and close friends only. I really do. My sister is having one of those. I get why I wasn't one of the two people he could invite. I just wanted to be told. I could handle this situation so much better if I had only been told.
Anyway after Sean told me all the shit that he can spout out and I finally tire of hearing it, I just turn and walk away. I don't know if he was in mid-sentence or not. All I know is that I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to listen . I couldn't listen anymore. I was getting so upset that I just could not listen anymore. I walk away. Tears started pouring down my face. I try to compose myself, and I realize that I have to get away. With tears still streaming down my face, I have to walk through a crowd of people to get away. I walk away towards the side of the house. I sit down on this little wall that's there, and I see people walking towards me. My heart silently hopes that maybe one of them is Sean. Of course it's not. It's my friends Mary Lee and Carrie. They've come to make sure I'm ok. I tell them that I'm done. I'm through with being concerned with him. I eventually start to draw a little crowd of supporters for me. The people there don't even try to defend Sean. Mary Lee's fiance even tells me that he hates Sean. A couple of guys are even int he crowd and tell me that all guys are douches. Slowly, I'm starting to believe this more and more. I just can't deal with it anymore. I really can't. I need to get out. I need to find a way out of this labyrinth.

I Miss Harlaxton.

My friend Mary and I are actually talking right now about when we were at Harlaxton... a year ago. I can hardly believe that it was so long ago. There are times when I feel like it just happened, but I'll think back over the year and realize it was a year ago. Eventually, it'll be come five and then ten and then fifty years ago. We didn't study nearly as much as we should've. We drank way more than is healthy for anybody, but still. We have no regrets. We look back at this four month period of times in our lives, and we're happy with what we have accomplished. We could have done better in our classes, but we chose to focus on the making of memories. We chose to cherish our time and each other over the classes. We have been very fortunate in the fact that we found each and got to see a very beautiful land that many people only ever get to dream of visiting. I got to see Wicked in London. I rode on and got lost on the Underground. I jumped on a train weekend and went to Scotland. I met and fell in love with a boy. I had an amazing experience. I wouldn't trade those four months in my life for anything. I met people who are very important to me and have changed my life for the better. Who can say that and honestly mean it? I met the best people I could ever have hoped to meet in a beautiful foreign land and learned something new about the world and myself at the same time. I am a very lucky girl.

BEDA

I've come to a decision recently. It may be rather boring in years to come for me to read again, but for now, it could be fun. I recently found out about something called Blog Every Day in April, or BEDA. I had about a similar project done by Alex Day last year that was Vlog Every Day in April, or VEDA. I thought it was cool when he did it, but I didn't really look into what it actually was or how it go started. That is, until this past weekend when I was looking at some old Charlie McDonnell tweets (because my life is just so interesting). He did it last year too but through blogging. I think I want to give it a try this year. It may not come to anything. I may not even have time to write every day, but I will try. I want to improve my writing skills, and I think that this could help. You might be thinking, "Why BEDA? Why not NaNoWriMo?" The honest truth to that questions is that I'm not any good at writing long stories. I can write short stories with only a few problems, but trying to extend a plot for a lot of pages just doesn't work for me. I admire those who can do it and actually have something decent, but I just can't do it. Believe me, I have tried. I blame it on my short attention span :)

I said in a post last month that I wanted to try vlogging. I may still try doing that, but we shall see people. We shall see. If I were to do it, it would be start vlogging. I'm not very good at acting, and I'm not good at trying to be intentionally funny. It is very likely that I would bore everybody to death, but I can try. I'll try to make a video this weekend, and I'll post a link here in case anybody does actually read this. It's very likely that they don't.

OMG! I wish they would stop shooting now. I know you're just trying to scare away birds, but you're hurting my ears. Please stop. TWU, I just want to let you know that you suck. I may sue due to loss of hearing because you shoot off guns to scare away POOR INNOCENT DEFENSELESS birds. What are they doing that's so horrible? They are just trying to be at home in the place they have chosen. It's not like you let us use the balconies anyway. Someone might as well.